There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
