Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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