one might say we're banned from that church
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
