I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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