Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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