tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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