all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize