I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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