There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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