I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
