Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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