respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
