I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
