I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your penis caused this!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
