I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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