I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
