my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize