trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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