Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
