I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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