Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
