I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
