Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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