i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
