i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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