Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
