Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
