you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
