Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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