I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
