You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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