My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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