we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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