i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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