Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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