3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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