so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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