My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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