today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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