I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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