Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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