Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
