I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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