I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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