I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
