I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
