Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm both gender and math confused
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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