Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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