is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
