i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize