I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
