The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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