So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
