Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
