Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
