theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
