Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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