I could make wine with my vomit
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize