I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
