I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
