If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
