Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
