i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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